from "Running Scared" by Ed Welch

As for me, I want to watch and endure, not worry. I want to be like the night watchmen who are waiting to see first light. God is the God of suspense, but it is a suspense that teaches us peace. He is the God of surprises, but the surprises are always better than we could have dreamed. I can't put Him in a box and assume that He should act according tome time schedule and according to my less sophisticated version of what is good. I need the mind of Christ. I can do with nothing less.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame. - Heb. 12:2

Say it: "Lord, I trust You."

Friendship

"Friendship exhibits a glorious 'nearness by resemblance' to Heaven itself where the very multitude of the blessed (which no man can number) increases the fruition which each has of God. For every soul, seeing Him in her own way, doubtless communicates that unique vision to all the rest. That, says an old author, is why the seraphim in Isaiah's vision are crying 'Holy, Holy, Holy' to one another (Isaiah 6:3). The more we thus share the Heavenly Bread between us, the more we shall all have.

- C.S. Lewis "The Four Loves"

On Psalm 130

Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord
In this throbbing, swelling mass of confusion and anxiety
Lord hear my voice
Your ears have listened for thousands of years
Singing, praising
Grumbling
Wailing
Shivering and shaking
I know that You hear
The voice of my supplications
Even when I am not sure what I am pleading for.
It is too much for me.

If You, Lord, should mark iniquities,
Oh Lord who could stand?
I feel the weight of two or three
And already my knees are buckling
But there is forgiveness with You
That I may tremble before Your power.

I can’t see too far in front of me right now,
I wait for the Lord
I am at home when I am with You
My soul waits
In His word I do hope
It sheds a little light on my path
As I take one step at a time
One day at a time
My soul waits for the Lord
More than those who watch for morning
Yes
More than those who watch for morning.

Oh Israel, oh church, oh Heidi Luimes,
Hope In The Lord
For with the Lord there is mercy
And with Him is abundant redemption
Abundant forgiveness
Abundant peace
Abundant life
He shall bring tomorrow – with enough
And He shall redeem Israel
From all his iniquities.

“Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty. Neither do I concern myself with great matters, nor with things too profound for me. Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. Oh Israel, hope in the Lord, from this time forth and forever.” (Psalm 131)

Dare to be a sinner

You are a sinner, a great, desperate sinner; now come, as the sinner you are, to God who loves you. He wants you as you are; He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone. "My son, give me thing heart" (Prov. 23:26) God has come to you to save the sinner. Be glad! This message is liberation through truth. You can hide nothing from God. the mask you wear before men will do you no good before Him. He wants to see you as you are, He wants to be gracious to you. You do not have to go on lying to yourself and your brothers, as if you were without sin; you can dare to be a sinner.

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "Life Together" p. 111

Shame

The very word “shame” makes something inside of me cringe. In those five little letters I am understood and exposed. I am not who I should be. There is something beautiful that was intended for me, and for some reason I rejected it. I chose this dirtiness for my identity and something inside of me is crying. This is not how it should be. This is not who I am.
I know I am redeemed. Occasionally it hits me that I have already been perfected before the sight of God. That He had clothed me in royal robes of His Son’s righteousness. It blows my mind. This is who I am. I am a child of God. I am His image bearer, His daughter, and His chosen. So why do I run from it? Why do I want so badly to be associated with slime and filth and hollow, empty pride? For some reason I cannot understand, I still love this sin.
I am ashamed.
I have a lot of fig trees in the backyard of my soul. They come in handy as I often sew them together to make crudely fashioned and ill fitting garments for myself. I spend hours in front of mirrors, arranging and re-arranging my hair, checking and re-checking my make up, critiquing my clothes, my figure and my eyebrows. I try desperately hard to say the right things and do the right things to win the approval and appreciation of others, so that they won’t see who I really am. I want them to love me the way I love myself so that they won’t despise me the way I despise myself.
The beautiful moments in all of this come when the walls between God’s people are broken and we find out how much alike we really are, how much we need each other and how much we need to seek our God together. Or when I read Psalm 139 and realize that I can hide nothing. He knows me inside and out. He has seen my pride, my guilt and my shame, and yet because of His mercy I can truthfully say; “When I awake I am still with Thee.” (vs. 18)
I would like to wrap this up for you, tie it up with a pretty little ribbon and tell you I have worked through it. Unfortunately, I haven’t. It is not resolved and I don’t know when it will be. But God knows this too, and for some reason He still loves me. He even loves me enough to keep on changing me, purifying me, and reminding me who He is. He is faithful.

As a refreshing break from my monologues, here is something Miriam wrote. I think it expresses our life this year pretty beautifully. Thanks for letting me post this Miriam.

Conviction, a stabbing at the heart
An overwhelming sense of incompetence
A desperate need for grace
For Change
You are undone.
Lord, Have Mercy!
Follow Me.
Love, as I have loved you.
You are mind and I am yours.
Reflect the image you were created in.
I am with you.
The road will not be easy.
It may seem as thought death will overtake you
Do not fear, you are on the road that leads to
righteousness and glory.
Suffering and temptations will greet you
- do not be overwhelmed.
The God who calls you is faithful.
He will keep you to the end
To an inheritance unimaginable.
The wedding feast - fit for The King.