fireflies

Something I wrote last summer... and it's still happening

The nights are warmer now.  The fireflies shimmer

and sparkle across the field; their dance like gentle laughter

 and the hum of contentment.

The world is just as beautiful as ever, but some days

my eyes are open wider.

Lord wake me up to Your presence.

The fireflies flicker on and off, regardless

of their audience.

The subtle harmonies of creation sing

whether or not I am listening

Like the grace that winds itself through

my life - sometimes imperceptible

often forgotten, but

always present

always redeeming, always testifying

never silent.

Communion

Who was the guilty?
Who brought this upon Thee?

The bread is small and light
The burden heavy on my soul

T'was I Lord Jesus
I it was denied Thee

"Take, eat...remember."

Must I?

I cannot refuse Him and
the bread is thick and dry between my teeth.

I crucified Him?

Psalm 23 resonates
heart-wrenching irony

The Lord is my Shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me to lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside still waters.

I am the naked emperor
the fearful pharisee
the reluctant beggar

The sheep wander and bleat their foolish independence
but even the most stubborn knows
the sound of the Shepherd's voice.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
pursue me
drag me kicking and screaming
to the table

The wine goes down easier
it burns warm inside

Christ in me
Me in Christ

For as the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the the vine,
neither can you unless you abide in Me.

In His sacrifice.  In forgiveness.  In communion.

In the house of the Lord 


forever.

watching words
            scatter
    across               the                  page
                  across                             
                            my            day
          whirling
                   swirling
                                polite words
                        chatter
    conversation
        advice
                                                opinion
                         hope
            thanksgiving
                                      complaining
                                   venting 
             awkward
                  honest
          open
                           picture words
                                praise words
                     silent words
lonely words                                     us words
  me                                                  ask
    my                                       know
 I                                                      remember
  feel                                              sorry
   want                                       encourage 
think                                              pursue
   mine                                         need
need                                              move
  myself                                     learn
me                                                    forgive
should have                                 change
I                                                        thank
                                                   pray
dump words                                      love words

so many               words
                                 words
                     words
                                     words
                              words

and once in a while
                        one
                    or two
                                  land

     and who you are is
          a little different

Struggling these days to learn
Repentance
in a life filled with guilt.
How could I fail again?
I knew better than that!
Will people ever trust me again?
why can't this ugliness be erased
so people will think well of me
so God will think well of me.
But sin is a permanent past
my guilt, regret and self loathing
my prison.
Sin whispers
"oh, well... you've done it already
what difference does it make now?"
Pride shouts
"Stop it. Stop it right now!
Turn over a new leaf and be perfect.
You can do it."
so I run to catch up with my Cross Bearer
beg to take the burden out of His hands
but mine cannot hold it
because they are holding hammers.
The nails go down deep in His hands.
Face to face with my filth I understand
This is not the story of a good woman
who makes some mistakes
this is blood covered death and rebirth
Baby sized dependence.
The blind, lame, deaf and dumb
crying "Rabbi! Teacher! Master!"
This is resurrection morning
the impossibility of new life
the reality of perfection
It is Finished.

How often have you said it?

"How are you?" (Not because I really care, but I want to start a conversation somehow.)
"How are you?" (Even though I am walking past and I don't really have a chance to hear the answer.)
"How are you?" (But please don't dump on me know. I don't have the energy to hear all your problems.)

How often have you said it?

"Fine thanks." (Because I don't really want you to know the truth - you might be disappointed in me.)
"I'm good thanks." (Until the next temptation comes along and I am drowning in the undertow.)
"I'm ok." (Though an hour ago I was crying on my bed.)
"I'm fine." (Because I don't want you to know my problems - you might be just a little smug.)
"I'm good." (I don't trust you.)

Is this why we are so lonely?

If

If
I can hurt another by speaking
faithfully without much prepara-
tion of spirit,
and without hurting myself far
more than I hurt that other,
then i know nothing of Calvary love.

If
I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I
lose affection,
or lest the one concerned should
say, "You do not understand,"
or because I fear to lose my
reputation for kindness;
if I put my own good name before
the other's highest good,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If
I am content to heal a hurt slightly,
saying "Peace, peace," where is
no peace;
if I forget the poignant work "Let
love be without dissimulation"
and blunt the edge of truth,
speaking not right things but
smooth things,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.

- Amy Carmichael

Another year has dawned
over the warm laughter of friends
whispered prayers
resonating chorus of praise
Another year has dawned
in a frenzy of excitement and hope
tears and bittersweet thanksgiving
new chapters, new promises
silver snowflakes
a God who is faithful
Another year has dawned
full with love that transcends
time
distance
the pain and beauty of change
wraps us snugly in the security
of the unknown
drinking in the joy of His grace.

Taking Time

Wind it down
Ceiling fan dances it's flickering patterns
Fire warmth sinks it's way
Through layers of a still heart
Penetrating peace
Rocking slow with people you love
One moment is a bite of
Something sweet
Taste
Savor

so much bigger

My heartbeat drums the ground in steady rhythm
be still
be still
be still
my thoughts fly like hundreds of puzzle clouds
slowly drifting together on the night sky.
The expanse begs to swallow me but the
cold unevenness of the ground remind me
I belong here
the rough stubbled stalks of corn harvest tell my fingers
I am alive
The night air is crisp on my face
promising winter soon
The silent stars laugh at my fearful heart
because they have seen
and know that after snow comes sunshine.

"You shall love the Lord your God
with all your heart
with all your soul
with all your strength
and you shall love your neighbor
as yourself."

Were these few words the sum of revelation the single expression of God's law,
they would consign every breathing being to a well deserved damnation.

You shall love

For the soul that has witnessed and fractionally understood the depth of cross-love it takes no more than these three words
to send us crashing to our knees.

You shall love

A craftsmanship of Spirit-work; a sword that pierces through every veiled visage of goodness
we are pained by it's glistening accuracy.

You shall love

"Love, Lord?" Our weak hearts cry
There is not room. There is not strength
"Lord, but ask for something else. Anything else. Labor, wealth, devotion, penance...
I cannot love. I know not how."

Oh Lord
Oh Lord have mercy

"Love,
yes love, child."

Not because it is in you
But because I am in you
Not because you know
but because you trust.

Not because you can
Because He is.

enough

Provision in small doses
Keeps us returning
Keeps us close to the source.

Come sit with me my friend
let's talk awhile
let's get to know each other
on more time
and marvel at the grace we have in common

Come walk with me, my friend,
let's share a while
I'll carry your burdens
you carry mine
we'll both step a little lighter

Come laugh with me, my friend,
let's take a while
find a moment or two
savor them
fill our memories with reasons to rejoice

Come sing with me, my friend
let's worship awhile
our differences lend themselves
to perfect harmony
tiny tastes of heaven
in a kingdom already begun

Love Hurts

Love hurts like a mother praying for the souls of her children
Letting them go and crying inside
Like disowning all she has that was never hers at all
Then pouring her life out in trust

Love hurts like surrender.

Love hurts like two people scraping through layers of defenses
Choosing to love, and then love when it’s harder
Like naked vulnerability that presses open, throbbing hearts together
Learning to know and be known

Love hurts like forgiving.

Love hurts like telling the truth when a lie would be easy
Learning to trust and be bruised
Like pursuing and chasing and never giving up
On grace that is just enough

Love hurts like sticking it out.

Love hurts like a widow in an empty bed
The tears on her face as she laughs at her memories
Like the pain in her heart that she would not trade
For a lifetime of empty comfort

Love hurts like wanting home.

Love hurts like two wooden beams nailed against each other
A ring of twisted thorns digging into a sweaty forehead
Like all hell condensed into the span of hours
The bread and the wine and the blood washing over

Love hurts like resurrection.

Sometimes action has to lead and motivation just lags behind like a spoiled child, waiting for some bit of bribery to tempt her into wholeheartedness.

Sometimes thoughts and ideas and hopes and dreams overwhelm your heart and paralyze your feet.

There are days when the sense of surety and rightness don't seem to fit into any of the equations but you just take the next step anyway because this is not your story.

Where does the cross lead me - today?
What expression can I find for thankfulness in these gifts I've been given?

The opportunity for worship is endless.
The time for worship is today. Right now.

Don't wait until you're feeling passionate, emotional and Spirit-led.
Take the next step.

"Commit your way to the Lord and your thoughts will be established." - Proverbs 16:3

God's way is not hidden from us - He wrote a 66 book letter about it.

Read it. Marvel. Trust.

Follow.

So things get a little tricky because we like to say I trust You Lord but what we really mean is I trust you that it will turn out ok. I trust that You think my ideas are good too. I trust that even if they aren't You will work it out somehow that will be even better and easier and happier.

And then we are blown out of the water, we and sit there dripping and shivering and questioning because we did not understand that He doesn't promise things will work out the way we hope. He doesn't promise that we will always be happy if we are doing things right. He doesn't even promise that we will live above the poverty line or have decent kids or not lose everyone we love in a house fire.

He does promise Himself.

Trust is no tidy package. It is not a life insurance plan or a magic keyword for instant peace and solutions. It simply means, surrender. Stop holding the reins and start holding the Hand. Stop asking why and start following.

What you know of good will never be the same.

Contentment

Willing to live differently
Extremely
To be pushed beyond all limits of yourself
to reach in His strength
for the prize of the upward calling

Willing to live normally
to cook breakfast and clean house
to live out faithfulness in drudgery
redeeming the little moments
for the prize of the upward calling

Willing to live richly
to spread His blessing into every corner
to own nothing and possess everything
to leave none untouched by generosity
for the prize of the upward calling

Willing to live responsibly
to count and recount and save and pinch
with a vision for something ahead
to know that blessed are the poor when their inheritance
is the prize of the upward calling

Willing to live ambitiously
to take risks, to make choices
to work hard to see things accomplished
to strain and strive and beat your body
to run hard for the prize of the upward calling

Willing to wait patiently
to live not in the past nor the future
but wholeheartedly in a present colored by eternity
to sit still and sit quiet and tell your heart that He is God
To keep on sitting still and quiet until your heart has listened
has rested
has Known
that He is God
He is good
His love is the upward calling.

Mission 2011

There is hope in faithfulness
year after year of growing trust
growing excitement
growing maturity
Why did God choose his place?
Over ten years now
of perseverance in Okreek
Messy perseverance
weak and misguided perseverance
but somehow it would seem
His hand is in it.
There is hope in the little things
Dom with his questions
counting the cost.
Cassie, growing more and more out of her comfort zone.
Sarah's cabin and their desire
to learn how to pray
Justin - bruised and broken, but
learning how to smile.
All of these children
these precious children
just waiting to be born.
I wish we could say it better
show it better
but it is sweet sleep
to rest in His sovereignty
it is a humbling, trembling joy
to be used by Him
It is a rock solid hope
to serve a faithful God
a persevering God
a God who is
and is good.

Learning

contentment
but never complacency
patience
but also perseverance
rest
in action
looking for open doors
but not automatic ones
knocking
trying handles
Trusting
in a grace that is sufficient
to do the next thing.

What would it look like
to live a lifestyle of love?
Poured out
still giving
a living sacrifice
always being emptied
always being filled
longing
yet satisfied
this is not our home
vessels
channels
conduits
windows
mirrors
reflections
letters
Why do we so badly need an "identity"?
Why do we so desperately want to be noticed?
Do we know nothing of the glory of God?

Allegory

The page is blank
Pristine, pure,
faceless and undefined.
The pen quivers
my thoughts are trembly
as my mind searches for
some sort of word
to justify the arrogance
of meeting pen with paper.
Sometimes the closest we have
to perfection
is simply nothing at all.
But nothing is still nothing.

Purrrspective #2.

Never thought I'd say it, but,
I even miss the cat.

Looking Back - (and forward!)

I was reading over some journaling from the last couple of years, and this caught my eye. It was written on Christmas Eve of 2009, but it still rings true to me.

For peace on earth
goodwill to men.
The pages turn
sometimes fast than I can read them.
The book never ends
the Author never changes
His strange stories
Babies in barns
Fish for five thousand
The oil never runs out.
Swirling around and around
spinning reflections
of sparkling chaos
the clear color of Grace.
Redemption
Blessings enough for baskets leftover
Friends to share it with
and never ending extra
for the hungry.
His birth was in a moment
His death in short hours
of eternity
His mercy forever
His faithfulness to all generations
Praise the Lord
We have only started.

Addiction

Desert heat
Carnival of confusion
Voices, Thoughts, Emotions
Can’t get away.

It only takes a minute
Familiar and sickeningly sweet.
Numbing, Soothing, Distracting
Peace in the dark.

Silky smooth fingers
Slowly wrap themselves around me
Caressing, Squeezing, Tightening
My palace is my prison.

So Easy
So Deadly.

Desperation
Movement
Running, Stumbling, Crawling

I Need You
I Need You
I Need You

On the horizon
Mirage or reality?
A Kings Banquet
Cool Water.

Run faster
Stumble again.
I can’t do this.
Lord Have Mercy.

“I will never leave you.
Never forsake you.”
Not just waiting at the head table
He is beside me.
I Am Not Alone.

Pouring the wine
Preparing the feast.
Pouring His blood.
“It Is Finished.”

The battle is on
The Enemy is ready
The victory is won

Hope is on our side.


This was written as a response to "Crossroads - a step by step guide away from addiction" by Ed Welch.

from "Running Scared" by Ed Welch

As for me, I want to watch and endure, not worry. I want to be like the night watchmen who are waiting to see first light. God is the God of suspense, but it is a suspense that teaches us peace. He is the God of surprises, but the surprises are always better than we could have dreamed. I can't put Him in a box and assume that He should act according tome time schedule and according to my less sophisticated version of what is good. I need the mind of Christ. I can do with nothing less.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame. - Heb. 12:2

Say it: "Lord, I trust You."

Friendship

"Friendship exhibits a glorious 'nearness by resemblance' to Heaven itself where the very multitude of the blessed (which no man can number) increases the fruition which each has of God. For every soul, seeing Him in her own way, doubtless communicates that unique vision to all the rest. That, says an old author, is why the seraphim in Isaiah's vision are crying 'Holy, Holy, Holy' to one another (Isaiah 6:3). The more we thus share the Heavenly Bread between us, the more we shall all have.

- C.S. Lewis "The Four Loves"

On Psalm 130

Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord
In this throbbing, swelling mass of confusion and anxiety
Lord hear my voice
Your ears have listened for thousands of years
Singing, praising
Grumbling
Wailing
Shivering and shaking
I know that You hear
The voice of my supplications
Even when I am not sure what I am pleading for.
It is too much for me.

If You, Lord, should mark iniquities,
Oh Lord who could stand?
I feel the weight of two or three
And already my knees are buckling
But there is forgiveness with You
That I may tremble before Your power.

I can’t see too far in front of me right now,
I wait for the Lord
I am at home when I am with You
My soul waits
In His word I do hope
It sheds a little light on my path
As I take one step at a time
One day at a time
My soul waits for the Lord
More than those who watch for morning
Yes
More than those who watch for morning.

Oh Israel, oh church, oh Heidi Luimes,
Hope In The Lord
For with the Lord there is mercy
And with Him is abundant redemption
Abundant forgiveness
Abundant peace
Abundant life
He shall bring tomorrow – with enough
And He shall redeem Israel
From all his iniquities.

“Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty. Neither do I concern myself with great matters, nor with things too profound for me. Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. Oh Israel, hope in the Lord, from this time forth and forever.” (Psalm 131)

Dare to be a sinner

You are a sinner, a great, desperate sinner; now come, as the sinner you are, to God who loves you. He wants you as you are; He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone. "My son, give me thing heart" (Prov. 23:26) God has come to you to save the sinner. Be glad! This message is liberation through truth. You can hide nothing from God. the mask you wear before men will do you no good before Him. He wants to see you as you are, He wants to be gracious to you. You do not have to go on lying to yourself and your brothers, as if you were without sin; you can dare to be a sinner.

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "Life Together" p. 111

Shame

The very word “shame” makes something inside of me cringe. In those five little letters I am understood and exposed. I am not who I should be. There is something beautiful that was intended for me, and for some reason I rejected it. I chose this dirtiness for my identity and something inside of me is crying. This is not how it should be. This is not who I am.
I know I am redeemed. Occasionally it hits me that I have already been perfected before the sight of God. That He had clothed me in royal robes of His Son’s righteousness. It blows my mind. This is who I am. I am a child of God. I am His image bearer, His daughter, and His chosen. So why do I run from it? Why do I want so badly to be associated with slime and filth and hollow, empty pride? For some reason I cannot understand, I still love this sin.
I am ashamed.
I have a lot of fig trees in the backyard of my soul. They come in handy as I often sew them together to make crudely fashioned and ill fitting garments for myself. I spend hours in front of mirrors, arranging and re-arranging my hair, checking and re-checking my make up, critiquing my clothes, my figure and my eyebrows. I try desperately hard to say the right things and do the right things to win the approval and appreciation of others, so that they won’t see who I really am. I want them to love me the way I love myself so that they won’t despise me the way I despise myself.
The beautiful moments in all of this come when the walls between God’s people are broken and we find out how much alike we really are, how much we need each other and how much we need to seek our God together. Or when I read Psalm 139 and realize that I can hide nothing. He knows me inside and out. He has seen my pride, my guilt and my shame, and yet because of His mercy I can truthfully say; “When I awake I am still with Thee.” (vs. 18)
I would like to wrap this up for you, tie it up with a pretty little ribbon and tell you I have worked through it. Unfortunately, I haven’t. It is not resolved and I don’t know when it will be. But God knows this too, and for some reason He still loves me. He even loves me enough to keep on changing me, purifying me, and reminding me who He is. He is faithful.

As a refreshing break from my monologues, here is something Miriam wrote. I think it expresses our life this year pretty beautifully. Thanks for letting me post this Miriam.

Conviction, a stabbing at the heart
An overwhelming sense of incompetence
A desperate need for grace
For Change
You are undone.
Lord, Have Mercy!
Follow Me.
Love, as I have loved you.
You are mind and I am yours.
Reflect the image you were created in.
I am with you.
The road will not be easy.
It may seem as thought death will overtake you
Do not fear, you are on the road that leads to
righteousness and glory.
Suffering and temptations will greet you
- do not be overwhelmed.
The God who calls you is faithful.
He will keep you to the end
To an inheritance unimaginable.
The wedding feast - fit for The King.

on Humility

Old Woman used to be a very dear friend of mine. I know she is rather smelly but when I was around her a lot I somehow never noticed it. We still spend a lot of time together. I love the way she is always in control of things. She always knows what she is doing and people seem to look up to her. They admire her and trust her to get things done. Old Woman enjoys being around me and her ready compliments come like music to my ears. I am amazed at the fact that she likes me, since she regularly complains to me about every other person she knows. But she must have thought I was special because the two of us were completely inseparable before I met the great Man.

He was unusual, this great Man. He wasn’t great at all in the ways you would normally expect. He had no wealth or social status, no fine clothes or great speeches. He wasn’t even good looking. But when He spoke, He looked straight through me. He saw Old Woman and she hated Him. She started trembling and whining and spraying her slime everywhere, all over Him. He kept on looking at me and His words made me feel desperately awful and desperately hopeful all at the same time. I longed for Him to love me. I wanted Him to love Old Woman too, but I don’t think He wanted to and I don’t think she would have let Him even if He did. She was screaming and cursing, and the more He talked the more she spewed out slime, and the more slime she spewed, the smaller she became. I saw the mess all over Him and I wanted to apologize for what she had done; what we both had done, but He looked at me again and said simply, “It is finished.” I was clean and He was clean. You see He was not only the great Man, He was the great God too. There is a story behind this all, but it is too much to explain right now. He wrote it down for me in a little Book and told me to keep it in my heart. You may have read this Book yourself and if you have then you know what I am talking about.

Old Woman still comes around when she gets the chance. She is much smaller than she used to be and the smell of her bothers me much more than it used to. She usually makes a nuisance of herself, and leaves a mess whenever she can. All in all, she is not what I used to think she was. Maybe the reason why I think so much less of her is because I have this other friend now. She is New Woman and when she is in me I know that the great God Man is with me too. It is as if His strength is the power behind her words, thoughts and actions. Old Woman hates both of them and when they are around she doesn’t show up much at all. When I listen to His voice instead of Old Woman’s I feel completely and securely loved. I don’t need the approval and admiration of others because His love is above and beyond anything I could ask for. I can screw up, and admit it. He has forgiven me, and He teaches me to forgive others. I don’t need to control my life or other people because He has already written my book and theirs. I can let other people do things, and do them differently than I would. I can let other people take the credit for things instead of claiming it for myself. I can play my piano as a blessing to others and not a show. I can really care about people without feeling like I have to become their savior. I can read His Book and forget about Old Woman. I can become more like Him. I can be New Woman.

This whole thing about humility is often foggy to me, but every day I am learning more about it. Sometimes I think I know and it becomes blurrier than ever, but sometimes my vision is a little clearer and the outline is a little sharper and it looks pretty much the same as the God Man does. I am trying to spend more time studying Him, so someday when it all comes into focus and Old Woman is completely dead you and I can talk about these things, and how we were washed and how great this God is.

"Let God be our hope. He who made all things is better than all things. He who has made beautiful things is more beautiful than all things. He who has made what is mighty is mightier; and He who made what is great is greater. Whatever you have loved, He will be that for you. Learn to love the Creator in the creature, the Maker in what is made, lest you grasp what He has made and lose Him by whom you too have been made." - Augustine

The Animal Kingdom

Sometimes, I pretend I am intelligent. Just like a monkey, I can walk on 2 legs. I can smile. Eat bananas. I can raise children and live in community. I can scream and make noise and get people’s attention. I am a highly developed species and function very well on my own. Just don’t ask me about grace. What it means to live forgiven. How to discern right from wrong; or love sacrificially. If you do, I will most likely screech at your judgmental intolerance and bang you on the head with my banana.

know

So I feel as though I should post something, but my creative juices are not flowing. Therefore, I am posting a paper I wrote for class on "Know" as a functional quality. If you feel like reading a paper, enjoy! If not, I shall not hold it against you. It's a journaly-responsey-personalish paper so it's nothing terribly hard to read. I shall also try to write something shorter sometime and put it up for your perusal. P.S. This paper is not due until Saturday so if you have any helpful suggestions in the next couple days they are most welcome! (or after that too I suppose. :-)

The year before I moved from Ontario to Philadelphia was in some ways frantic one. I was working multiple jobs, involved with church and friends, and I felt like my home was simply a place I crashed, complained, and ran off to do the next thing. I have an excellent relationship with my family and I was very thankfully for how kind they were to me in all the craziness, though I know that I took it for granted. I realized just how much I had taken it for granted when I moved away for the year and missed them terribly.
The surprising thing was, as we emailed and called and wrote letters I began to realize just how little I knew these people who were my family. I loved them, lived alongside them all my life and of course saw all the best and worst of them, but they were simply “my family.” They were there, they always had been and they always would be. I could count on them. This is beautiful in itself, but even more beautiful was the deepening realization that occurred as I got to know them again from a distance. They were individuals with individual lives, struggles, happiness and sorrow. They were given to me, and I to them because this is how God created people to operate. As a family.
As I look around my church I began to see the same thing. These people have been my people for almost as long as I can remember, and I have always “known” them. But they always existed inside of my perspective, serving whatever purpose was useful to my kingdom of one. I loved them deeply. I cared about them deeply, but I did not understand them as servants of God. I spoke words of counsel, encouragement, and admonishment, but I spoke what was helpful to me, assuming that their problems were the same as mine. I debated, explained and taught, not because I wanted to understand my people, but because I wanted them to understand me. I wanted them to think like me, learn the things I had learned, and love the things that I loved. Loosely translated, I loved me and I thought they should too.
You may have noticed that I have been speaking in the past tense. This is not because I have somehow gotten over this struggle or miraculously been transformed into a truly selfless person. Every day I struggle with wanting to be known and approved of. Every day I manipulate people into filling these “needs” of mine. I want to know them because I want to fit them into my kingdom.
Psalm 139 blows this boat of mine right out of the water. It tells me things that radically transform the way I “know.” 1) I am completely and fully known. “Oh Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.” Every word, every thought, every emotion is completely known and understood by Him. I do not need to seek from people what they cannot give me. God has given it already. I am His. I am known. 2) He knows every single creature the same way He knows me. They are my people, but even more, they are His people. This is not my kingdom, it is His kingdom. We are family. We are servants walking together under our Savior and Shepherd. Having experienced His grace, and only through its power, I seek to know. Not because I seek to gain, but instead I desire to point them to Him and experience with them the power of His grace to change lives. As a church, we are a body and we need to know each other. When one part hurts, we all need to hurt. We need to laugh together, cry together and serve together. We need to look together outside of the church and seek to know those people also. Not the way they know themselves, but the way Christ knows them. We need to listen, to ask questions, to hear their stories and feel the weight of their burdens so that when they see us they will see Christ. May we seek to know them, that they may feel the power of His knowledge. May we show them grace, and show them Him.

"That is why we can be quietly confidant - not because we know exactly what God is doing in this unpredictable world, but because we know that what is unpredictable to us is already predicted by Him."

- Excerpt from "Faithful God" by Sinclair B. Ferguson

...quietly confidant...

Human Personality - Ed Welch

So I wanted to share some notes from this class too, but there is just soo much in depth stuff that it might be kind of overwhelming. So I am going to share with you the intro to the different sections of the outline we used: Creation, The Fall and Redemption. I just think it's really beautiful.

Creation
We were sinless, limited, dependent image-bearers
who lived under the reigning King and Father
ho were tested, as royal children are, and
who knew there was more to come

The Fall
We prefer to live out of bounds
So we are sent out of bounds
exiled from the land of the King
choosing to live in the land of the dark lord,
We are treasonous image makers
Yet there is evidence that things will change.
We are created in the image of God.
We are still alive.
Something is going to happen.
Something must happen.

Redemption
The Servant-King has come
He has surprised us and come in the middle of history
He shows us what it means to be human
In his death he liberates us from the evil one
and makes humanness possible
His reign brings the new covenant
The fulfillment of all the promises
Everything is now brought together in Christ
Look and see glory all around
“You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light” (1 Pet.2:9)
People are coming together
With patience, kindness and forgiveness
Glory and renewal come in ways we didn’t expect
Through wisdom that looks weak
Through dying
Through trouble
and, yes, we continue to sin

Glorification
The King throws an eternal banquet
Lavish
Free
Everything is
Personal
Alive
In Christ
Sin and death are Vanquished
"Death is swallowed up in victory"
Shalom is in the air
Love is in our hearts
"Welcome Home"
Soon

Looking back over class notes...

From Dynamics of Biblical Change (David Powlison)and in no particular order:

- PAST-tense grace shows that He is for you, persuasion that His mercies are yours

- PRESENT-tense grace demonstrates He is with you, persuasion that He is on scene with powerful, necessary help

- FUTURE-tense grace promises that He will come for you, persuasion that He will make right all wrongs, bringing all joy

- Wisdom is not in knowing things, it is knowing the relationship between things.

- The glory of God is not some absolute standard we cannot reach, it is the difference between who we are and who we would have been without Him.

- There is only one kind of perfectionism that is true: “When we see Him, we shall be like Him.”

- Some people are in the season of leaps and bounds, huge transformations and glory stories. Some are just in steady growth, sanctification and feeling like you are getting somewhere. But there are a lot of times where it is hard to put one step in front of the other. You are creeping, pulling yourself by your fingernails. But as long as you are moving the right direction, it doesn’t matter! You could be riding a motorbike but if you are not facing the right direction you will not be getting closer.

- We say 20-30,000 words every day! I don’t think we plan very many of them. But yet every single one of them is communicating something. Something that is either good or evil. Small talk, in principal can be one of two fundamentally different things. It can be a way of loving people, building bridges toward them, or a way to say “I don’t know you and I don’t want you to know about me so let’s talk about the Phillies and the weather.” Talking about the Phillies can be an act of love or an act of distancing.

- When is a principal, you can draw a line a divide it. When something is a process –it’s a mess!

- “When you read the gospels, every single scene, every single story, if you take it apart you will see clear, unmistakable revelation that Jesus is God, and you will see clear unmistakable revelation that Jesus is man, and He is like you.”

- Foundationally, God changes you. Truth changes you. Situation changes you. Wise people change you. Still, you change. You do it! It is 100% every one of those things!

- Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is what you do with what you remember.

- The Christian life is like a yo-yo. And it is held in the hands of a man who is walking upstairs. The goal of the Christian life is not to find the secret that will make the man throw it up into the window of the second story… the goal is to shorten the string.

These are just quotes that strike me again as I read over them, but please, if you get a chance, TAKE THIS CLASS. ccef.org

Tell me something

tell me
what's your story?
what motivated you
to wake up this morning
with the rest of us
and what is it
that compels your feet
to take another step?

when you cry
who is your Comforter?
when you laugh
what is your secret joy?
that glimmer in your eye
where did it come from?

when the sun shone
in your life
What did it illuminate?
that made you catch your breath
bow your knees
and whisper

where was that moment
that made your heart dance
the way it does
and what Divine Instrument
put that song on your lips?

tell me
who are you my friend?
I used to think I knew you
but now I want to know
Who hides inside your smile?

Reflection

That still moment
when the waters calm
and all those colors dancing wildly across the ripples
pull themselves together
to create a seamless picture.

When the Jesus stands up
and commands
Be still.

The storm ceases
the waves are swallowed
back into the deep.
The sea turns to glass
and in the stillness
the King looks over the edge of the boat
and in the mirror of our souls
He sees Himself.

A beautiful picture of regeneration by William Tidd Matson

Lord, I was blind! I could not see
In Thy marred visage any grace;
But now the beauty of Thy face
In radiant vision dawns on me.

Lord, I was deaf! I could not hear
The thrilling music of Thy voice;
But now I hear Thee and rejoice,
And all Thine uttered words are dear.

Lord, I was dumb! I could not speak
The grace and glory of Thy Name;
But now, as touched with living flame,
My lips Thine eager praises wake.
Lord, I was dead! I could not stir
my lifeless soul to come to Thee;
But now, since though has quickened me,
I rise from sin's dark sepulchre.

Lord Thou hast made the blind to see,
The deaf to hear, the dumb to speak,
The dead to live; and lo, I break
the chains of my captivity!

...

So. While I applaud my noble intentions and the strength of my resolutions, I regret to inform you that my facebook works again.

Of course being a victim of this situation and being entirely incapable of any other course of action I will once again be compelled to resort to spending large amounts of time in the mind numbing companionship of it's distractions.

This day has served as a beacon of hope, reminding mankind that it is indeed possible to survive for a whole day without facebook.

It is my earnest and heartfelt desire than over the duration of time and through the dramatic reconstruction of my sociological and psychological infrastructure I will lost all attraction to the said facebook and never go on it again.

Until that day, I will strive to combat it's destructive forces by stimulating my brain cells in whatever other way possible.

I remain
Yours Truly

P.S. Don't forget to respond to my survey!

In Memoriam.

Far from the Faceless masses
The air is clear
The birds are here

The crawling day now passes
the time is slow
nowhere to go

My brain is faintly rumbling
and now it wakes
it groans and quakes

So when'ere you feel like grumbling
Go take a look
at your Facebook.

Spend hours peering at
the pictures from your co-workers best friends sisters second husbands great aunts bachlorette party.
Play farmville
until all your cows are healthy and your grain has grown to a perfect virtual size for perfect virtual harvesting and virtual making into bread.
Virtually eat your bread.
and then if you're still hungry go eat some real bread and put peanut butter on it and then go post that as your facebook status.

Just remember, not everyone is as lucky as you are!

Identity Crisis?

The unthinkable has happened.

My facebook account was disabled.

And so I wander here in the dark, desperately trying to remember... Who am I?

Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise, that final fateful step I could never bring myself to take.

I hope I still get some survey results... considering it was most likely this very endeavor that ended my days as a thriving member of society.

... mmmmm smell the fresh air.

ATTENTION

Hello dear friends!

You may have read this on facebook, but I am doing a little survey for personal reasons and I would LOVE it if you could take a minute out of your busy lives and send me a message with your perspective on the following questions:

1) What does it mean to be a man?
2) What does it mean to be a woman?
3) Does headship (leadership) play into your view of manhood? If so, how? What does it look like?
4) Does submission play into your view of womanhood? If so, how? What does it look like?

It doesn't have to be long, but I would really appreciate these answers and any other thoughts and ideas you might have. Note: Send it as a message please, don't reply to this post. My email is allthathasbreath@gmail.com

Trust

It is nighttime
the world is a wall of black
broken only by an occasional streetlight
or the glare of a passing car.
My own headlights reflect
off the shiny black pavement
as the rain drums its erratic patterns
on the roof of my car.
I can see a little ways
through the mist
dancing wildly in front of me
my lights bounce off the reflectors
in the middle of the road
one
by one.
I don't know what comes after
the next few feet
as I speed along
the world is dark and quiet
sleeping for a few more precious moments.
Soon enough
morning will come
the darkness will begin to take shapes
the hills will show themselves
in shades of gray and silver.
Soon enough
the road will stretch far out
in front of me
but for now
as I move forward
one reflector at a time
I have what I need.

Living Publicly | CCEF

Living Publicly | CCEF

Look at your worst relationship and you will see your relationship with Jesus. am I having warm, fuzzy relationships with all kinds of folds, but there is one person out there I can't stand and want to avoid at all costs? If you only hate one other person, you hate God.

- Ed Welch, from The Madness of Anger, JBC

You are a young man
Time has not yet lined your face
Or silvered your hair
Your life lies ahead of you.

You are an old man
Bent under the weight of your burden
Your eyes speak of suffering
Greater than your years.

You are a strong man
I can see the power in your hands
Gripping the edge of your chair
You hold it like a lifeline.

You are a weak man
At the end of your rope
There is only one way out
It makes you shudder.

You are a stone man
Living the mechanics of survival
You do not love
So you will not hurt.

You are a deep man
Peeling back the layers;
Anger, hurt, fear
Desperation

You are an image bearer
Vestiges of Creation
Work their way into your story
And your sad smile

You are a fallen man
You sink into your sin
It consumes you
You are helpless.

You were made for perfection
You listened to lies
You were made for Joy
You settle for pleasure
You were made for Faith
You cling to blind reality
You were made for Hope
Your promises are all pain
You were made for Holiness
You know only the dark.

You were made for Eternity
And you cry for Redemption.

The Fall

We prefer to live out of bounds
So we are sent out of bounds
exiled from the land of the King
choosing to live in the land of the dark lord,
We are treasonous image makers
Yet there is evidence that things will change.
We are created in the image of God.
We are still alive.
Something is going to happen.
Something must happen.

- Ed Welch

On Giving Thanks

According to the American calendar, we are thanks-givers on November 25. Back home in Canada, we beg to differ. We like to eat our turkey while the weather’s still nice, so October 11 was the day for us. Pumpkin pie, red and yellow leaves, family dinners and a time to remember exactly who we are. We are children of an abundant God. He gives us this beautiful command and promise in Malachi 3:10: “Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and try Me now in this,” says the LORD of hosts, “If I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it.”It amazes me how He has fulfilled this promise in my life. It is pressed down, shaken together and overflowing!

What a shame we only take one day out of the year to remind ourselves to give thanks. I believe it is the most fundamental part of who I am. I am a praise giver. I am a thankful child. How else are we explain our desires for good works? If it is all grace, why the rules? If nothing we can do will earn us salvation, why bother? If we are saved once and forever, why this continual process of serving, learning, growing and caring? Because we are thanks givers! Because it is impossible for us to come face to face with the reality of redemption and not be blown away. It is impossible for us to believe, and then not care. Our life’s goal has become the continual question “How can I praise Him? How can I make His name great?”

This is where the two fold power of the law comes in. It showed me that perfection is a standard I could never reach. It showed me how incredibly great my sins are! It is the tutor to bring me to Christ once for all, and constantly every day as I sin again and again. But it’s not only those things! It is the answer to my question “How can I serve Him.” It is a detailed, beautiful lesson on what we can do to bring the glory to our Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer. It is the breathtaking story of my life and your life, and if we read it well, it will turn every day into Thanksgiving Day.

Change

This life, therefore, is not righteousness but growth in righteousness,

not health but healing, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise.

We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it.

The process is not yet finished but it is going on.

This is not the end but it is the road.

All does not yet gleam in glory but all is being purified.

- Martin Luther, "Defense & Explanation of all the Articles"

purrrrspective.

I just pretty much have a million things to be thankful for.

Like the fact that we don't have cats at the homiest of my homes.

And a million other things.

How about you?

part of my Bible study on Philippians - A relationship with God.

- Relationship with God is a recreation of life. Every person it has touched it has transformed. The old is made new. The new is made beautiful. The ugly filth of our sinfulness is present as perfect, spotless, purity before the throne of God. It is a claiming. We are helplessly wallowing in our sin, clinging to it and washing ourselves in its grime. Then we are chosen. We are taken out of the pit of despair and set on the solid ground of love. We are washed clean in the crimson blood of His sacrifice. It happens once. It happens for eternity.
- Relationship with God is the beauty of everyday grace. It is the painful, slow and stumbling process of sanctification. We turn and fish in the scum ponds we came from, searching for goodness inside our selves. He takes us by the hand again and says “turn around! I have prepared a feast for you!” And sometimes, when we keep running back to it, he lets us take a big bite of our catch of the day and taste what we are really made of. Always he is standing beside us, like the loving father holding out his arms as his baby learns to walk. Only the learning never ends. And every time we think we’ve finally changed it is only to realize we’ve learned enough to see how very much further we have to go!
- Relationship with God is relationship with others. It is serving together like Paul and Timothy. It is giving of ourselves like Lydia, Epaphrodites and the Philippian Jailer. Sometimes it is learning to love those you would rather not be around, as Euodia and Synthyche now know. Always, it is giving glory to God, sharing his blessings with every man who might be your neighbor and worshiping him with every precious and ordinary moment.
- Relationship with God is eternal. It is our song in the dark of prison; it is our hope in the daylight drudgeries. It is our joy in suffering; it is our prayer in anxiety. It is our peace which surpasses understanding, time, and space, and pressing forward sheds its light on eternity.

from C.S. Lewis

The more we get what we call 'ourselves' out of the way and let Him take over, the more truly ourselves we become. In that sense our real selves are all waiting for us in Him...
"But there must be a real giving up of the self. You must throw it away 'blindly' so to speak. Christ will indeed give you a real personality: but you must not go to Him for the sake of that. As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about, you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about self altogether. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your body - in the end submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him and with Him everything else thrown in.

- a quote from his book Beyond Personality that I read in Elisabeth Elliot's Secure in the Everlasting Arms.

It was a day of adventure

So, to start it all off we drove 4 hours all over New Jersey. Of course we did this simply to see the sights and meet new people (or should I say new person - a friendly gas station attendant) and not at all because we were lost. See everything we do is for some obvious, or perhaps more hidden purpose. Upon arrival at our destination we were greeting by sandy white beaches and the roaring praises of the ocean. It was the first time I've seen the ocean that I can remember. Though I do remember tasting it - that hasn't changed. Gross. The waves were great! We didn't go in much past our ankles but we were swept off our feet more than once by the power of them! It puts me in awe... the ocean is such a beautiful, heartless, testimony of power! It would take your life in an instant and feel no shame. But it would be still as glass at a mere word from it's Commander. How can we not fear a God that great... and yet we feel so safe and protected in that knowledge?
I have never seen jellyfish before. They are so interesting! They are literally solid gel when they wash up on shore. There were piles of them! Assuming, of course that these actually were jellyfish... it's what they looked like. They glittered and sparkled and if I didn't know better (or touch them) I would have thought they were glass.
I have a confession... I have been holding out on you. I have not yet shared with you the absolute highlight of our day. I don't want to completely overwhelm you. But maybe I will. Are you ready for this?
Are you SURE you're ready for this?
dum dum de dum
Collected Writings of John Murray Vol. 2 Systematic Theology.

Best nap I ever had.

OOOPS did I just say that?
All joking aside, over the last couple of days I have developed a huge amount of respect for the riches of systematic theology that we are blessed with, and the men who wrote it all. I also have great respect for people who read it. :-P

But of course this is speaking from my own limited and sleepy experience, and I really really do appreciate the kind of groundwork that has been laid for what we believe.
I hope and pray that God will continue the open my mind and heart to digest and then practically apply all this wealth of information.

P.S. We made it home in 2 hrs. And we only got lost once. OOOPS did I just say that?

Psalm 16:11

I walk barefoot
the earth's sensations
reality under my feet
hard-soft
warm-cold
smooth-rough
I watch the ground ahead
every step is carefully chosen.

I run
I don't feel the ground anymore
the only sensations
my heartbeat
and the echo of my breathing
My surroundings blur
I see only the finish

I slow down
my legs are wobbly
my head is thrown back
the breezes whisper secrets
the treetops tremble and raise their hands

It is dusk
I still stand here
as darkness falls on my reverie
I am groping blindly
when He touches me
wrapping my hand in His
I follow
one step at a time

...and He is glorified.

I guess there is something good about having absolutely no social life -it forces you to spend more time thinking. And drinking tea. And eating fudge. :-)
Believe me there is lots to think about. Everywhere I turn I am bombarded with information about theology, about anthropology, sociology, psychology, Christology... pretty much any "ology" you can think of. More than that, it's a lot of information about self. About service. Understanding. What it means to love your brother. My classmate put it well when he said "Professor, everything you say is great, but there is so much sometimes it's hard to know what we are supposed to do with it all!" Not only how to organize it into our worldview, but how to live it without hypocrisy. I feel like I need 10 years of counseling before I could even begin with anyone else! And yet the more I hear, the more I am overwhelmed, and the more need I see for the body of Christ to be just that -a body! And the more I wonder, just what is wisdom? Where does knowledge flow into understanding, understanding into action? How can sinners minister to sinners? And I see more and more the beauty of the cross. The ugliness of torture, pain and death -and yet the most beautiful thing that could touch our lives. Not only touch our life, but consume it, control it, motivate it, energize it and even use it! It's as if the water of life is inside us and it's bubbling and filling and swelling until whether we like it or not it comes spilling over all our edges, bathing everyone we meet and giving them the consciousness that here is a person who knows about love. Who knows about sin. This is an image-bearer, a grace-child.
How I wish that I could only point to Christ! Every road sign I put up says "look at me" Every beginning of inspiration and understanding is so quickly overtaken by pride, gutted of sincerity and sent forward as another tribute to the work of Heidi Luimes!
And yet somehow, miraculously, God looks at all those smelly, selfish attempts and is glorified. Not in me, but in His Son. Not in my work, but in the finished work! In the work of the cross that somehow enables us to take another feeble step forward, rejoicing in the knowledge that "He who started the work will be faithful to complete it in you."

Decisions decisions...

I was struck this week by reading the quote by John Gardner in Love’s Executioner: “Things fade, alternatives exclude.” He goes on to explain that the word “decide” actually means “slay” as in homicide or suicide. So we fear decisions because they kill other options. Every time we make a choice, we are ruling out other alternatives in the hope that what we have chosen will be the best option for us. No wonder we often stand paralyzed in the face of change! No wonder so many people are desperate to lose or gain control over their lives –to manipulate everything and everyone to their complete power, or to give themselves up to alcohol, drugs, or the
authority of whatever their problem is. Our helplessness itself then becomes a security –
we are no longer responsible for our own actions. It is choosing the freedom of slavery.
Maybe this is why people cling to the idea of re-incarnation? They want a chance to do
things over again; another swing at “the right choice.”
On the flip side, assuming responsibility also gives us freedom. Deciding to trust God
slays our fears. Deciding to love an enemy slays bitterness. Deciding to take on the new
man of Christ slays the slavery of self, and releases us to the captivity of love. It is
another freedom, and yet another slavery. I am secured by the boundaries of love, of law
and of grace and yet my sin is removed as far from me as the east is from the west! I give up control and assume action. I relinquish guilt and take on motivation, love, joy and thanksgiving. What a glorious prison is mine! What a glorious freedom is mine!

From "Suffering and Psalm 119" -David Powlison

So what does it mean, then, to say, "I keep Your word" (119:17)?
The obvious example is obedience to specific commandments. You keep "Do not commit adultery" by not committing adultery.
How do you keep other, different sorts of words, e.g. "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth"? You keep such words by believing, by remembering, by changing how you look at everything.
Our psalm keeps Genesis 1 by affirming to God, "You established the earth, and it stands. All things are Your servants." That's faith in action and out loud.
You keep His words when you are looking at a goldfinch or a thunderstorm, and you see creatures, dependents, servants -not merely an avian organism, not merely a weather event that means a cold front is coming through -and you praise their maker.
You keep Genesis 1 by remembering that you, too, are a creature and dependent, whose purposes are accountable to your maker. You are not merely your resume, or your feelings, or your web of relationships, or your bank account, or your self-talk, or your plans, or your life-shaping experiences. Our psalm says, "Your hands made me and fashioned me. I am Yours."

Day by day...and with each passing moment

God has overwhelmed us with His blessing and the unsearchable riches of His grace.

Praise Him for His faithfulness to us!

The last few days have not been without their challenges- moving across the country is definitely an overwhelming thing, even if it is only for a little while. It feels like we have been gone for a really long time already, and Miriam and I have both been strongly reminded of just how blessed we are by our wonderful families and friends - we miss you all so much!!

It is very interesting living with your best friend. Your differences become more clear, as do your similarities. We have said the exact same thing at the exact same time at least 10 times if not more -it is a little frightening! :-) But we are having great fun together.

The first day of classes was really good. It was a little overwhelming going over the courses in the introduction. We will both be taking James 1:5 to heart: "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

We spent most of yesterday outside at a local park (beautiful place!) studying. It took me 6 hours to get through the prologue and chapter 1 of Love's Executioner and write a 1/2 page on it. I felt like my brain was stretched in every direction. It was a fantastic feeling. I am very excited about where this year is going to take Miriam and I... it will be challenging, but so worthwhile.

Miriam and I were both dreading this morning, missing our own wonderful church and preaching. As it turned out, we went to a little Reformed Presbyterian church that Deanna was part of during the last few months of our studies. It was such a blessing. It is a really small church, and quite frankly the friendliest church I have ever seen. We felt so welcomed and even had the opportunity to share lunch with the congregation afterwards. (Which was good since we don't have much food in the house at the moment :-)) Their service was also excellent, the Pastor was very easy to listen to and present the truth of the gospel in a direct, clear and poignant way. They have no instruments in their singing, (which I will miss) and they sing all Psalms, but they sing from their hearts and with beautiful harmonies. I will still miss our wonderful church, but it is such a comfort to know we will not be missing the ability to gather in wholehearted worship with the people of God!!

This has been very long winded already, but I also just wanted to share with you something I read in Elisabeth Elliots book "Secure in the Everlasting Arms" this morning. It is on being content.

"To love God is to love His will. It is to wait quietly for life to be measured out by One who knows us through and through. It is to be content with His timing and His wise apportionment (Do I feel that my portion is too much of something? Tooo little of something else?). It is to follow in the steps of the Master, as did Paul, who was able to say that he had learned contentment no matter what the curcumstances. His circumstances when he wrote that? Prison! No easy lesson, but "great gain," which is the sum of godliness plus contentment (see 1 Timothy 6:6).

Jesus loved the will of His Father. He embraced the limitations, the necessities, the conditions, the very chains of his humanity as he walked and worked here on earth, fulfilling moment by moment His divine commission and the stern demands of His incarnation. Never was there a word or even a look of complaint. E.B. Pusey (1800-1882) suggested rules for those who wish to gain contentment that surely reflects Jesus' own attitude.

1. Allow thyself to complain of nothing, not even the weather.

2. Never picture thyself to thyself under any circumstances in which thou art not.

3. Never compare thine own lot with that of another.

4. Never allow thyself to dwell on the wish that this or that had been, or were, otherwise than it was, or is. God Almighty loves thee better and more wisely than thou doest thyself.

5. Never dwell on the morrow. Remember that it is God's not thine. The heaviest part of sorrow is often to look forward to it. "The Lord will Provide." "

What a humbling list! I know I have broken every single one of these things more than once in the last few days. Yet God is gracious! May He continue to teach us more and more every day.

So that is my lengthy update, now I want to hear all about your life! Please comment and tell me what you are up to, how your day was... etc.

I love you all!

To my sweet Family and Friends.

I think I forgot how awesome you all are. :-) I can't wait to see you again.

The adventure has gone incredibly smooth. For those of you thinking of visiting us, DO! The drive down was absolutely gorgeous. Lots of rolling hills and great views. Everything went really well, we did have to go in at the border because they have a policy that international visitors/students need to get fingerprints and photos taken, but that didn't take too long at all. It was definitely a beautiful day. We arrived in Philly around 8, and were welcomed with a totally delicious supper by our new landlady, Becky Wilson. She has been very sweet to us and has done an amazing job at making our new home a welcoming place to be. The apartment is small, but it is super cozy and feels a lot bigger than it is. We had fun making it our own and getting our groceries together. :-)

It has definitely been a little overwhelming over all. I think I was just too busy planning and doing all kinds of other things to really realize that we were leaving for such a long time, and when it all sunk in it produced more than a few sniffles. That combined with some sort of allergy, (most likely the cats our landlady keeps) have left me with a red nose and a lot less kleenexes. :-P It will take some getting used to but God has been very very good to us. I can't even say how glad I am to have Miriam with me here!! We will definitely be leaning on each other a good bit during the next few weeks.

School starts tomorrow! Exciting, a little scary since we are a tad under prepared, but we still have tomorrow morning to print stuff off and whatever else we need to do so everything should go well. I shall hopefully post more on that soon.

One great perk of being here, (and potentially danger) is that we live practically across from a second hand store run by a local church! I bought 1o Christian books today, 2 LOTR, 2 sheet music books, and a belt for $19! The great thing is 2 of the books were ones used in the CCEF courses! It should be interesting packing all this up when the time comes, considering we had about 5 square inches of space on the way up here... and we are constantly remembering more things we need, like coffee makers! I can't believe I forgot that single cup. No wonder I am a crybaby. lol Lizzi you are going to have to make a lot of latte's come Christmas time.

Well, I promise to do my utmost to keep in touch with you all, please help me out if you can. :-)

Love you all so much.

Peace

Peace
is a quiet moment
a still sunrise
a warm blanket and soft music

Peace
when the endless spinning of our thoughts
the endless questions on our hearts
slow down just long enough
to hear the whispers

Peace
the bended knee
the breaking open
the surrender

Peace
like a river

like an open road
an urgent calling
and through the uncertainty
the Shepherds hand

Peace
when the world waited in darkness
turmoil
the wrath of heaven concentrated
suffered
completed
when He cried "it is finished"
and the veil of life
was ripped before our eyes
top to bottom
clearing the way for us
to be still
and know
that He is God.

Hope

Sweet seduction
alluring
yet never quite reality
like the blind man
grasping at the wind
feeling its sensations
as it slips between his finger
closing tightly on reality
Hope
the agonizing beauty
of His promises
always chasing
always pulling us forward
surrounding us
squeezing our hearts
as we follow, trusting
stumbling
under the shadow of the cross
as our burdens roll away
swallowed by an empty tomb
as we set our face toward the city
and its glimmers reassure us
that the best is yet to be.

Ode to a Dandelion

Uncontrollable
Irrepressible
You could call them
sunshine incarnate
staining everything they touch
with the simplicity of cheer.
Childish exuberance
like laughter dancing over spring fields
Yet with a serious side
as wispy silver wishes
float over summer breezes.
Call it a weed if you will
I do not think it
such a shame
to be a Dandelion.

testimony

In the beginning
He spoke.
Poured out the entirety of His love
on a single planet.
It is good.
He will be Faithful.

2010 years ago
He came.
Poured the entirety of His Love
into a helpless Baby
Peace on Earth
Our God is Faithful.

Eternity condensed
He hung.
Poured out the entirety of His love
on sinners souls
It is finished
He is Faithful.

Eighteen years ago today
He breathed
Poured out the entirety of His love
to create one more praise giver
said I know you,
I am faithful.

Eighteen years since
He blessed
Poured out the entirety of His love
on this child
and until eternity is completed
until the entirety of His love
is reached
Until His children grow weary
of singing His praise
He will be faithful.

Sunrise

It is a warm morning
the rising sun is amber
like oranges on market day
reflecting off the knife
that lies on cold gray concrete.

It is a damp morning
her stringy hair floats in a puddle
drifting slowly down the street
red river.

It is a still morning
the hush
broken only by the insipid twanging
of a guitar with one string missing
he shuffles slowly down the street
pausing in front of her lifeless figure
his weathered face
fills with regret
and a trace of envy

It is a new morning
far away
a mother sits up in bed
her heart slowly tears itself in pieces
and she screams
the agony of a woman
who has lost all hope

the sparkling eyes of her daughter
smile down
at the busy morning shoppers

Missing.

Those who are empty in themselves are those who Christ call fill.

Is it in you to detest yourself?
Is it in you to hate the shreds of righteousness we pull together to tightly
to conceal our naked bodies?
Is it in you to let them go?
To bare yourself constantly before your just King
of absolute perfection?
To all Him to take off His own robe.
To be meekly slaughtered by the "holy men" of the world.
To quietly be laughed at
The laughter of a mockery accumulated by the sins of thousands of souls.
Can you hide in Him?
Can you hide in the place most secure, exposed, peaceful, painful and completely at rest?
Bloody and as white as snow.
Terrible and yet the most beautiful story that could touch your life.
Can you hide in the cross?
Can you shove aside the countless idols cluttering up the shelves of your heart?
Can He abide in you?
Is there room for heaven in our hearts?
There are mansions fr our hearts and bodies in heaven.
And yet today did it ever cross your mind?
With us.
In us.
Surrounding us.
Preparing us.
Washing us.
Burning us.
The already and the not yet.
The kingdom is here
and eternity awaits.

I found this in an old sermon notebook. The sermon was by Rev. Overgaauw on John 6:35-58.

It's in the moments

Stillness triggers
chords
in a song that I've forgotten
or maybe only heard
before my birth
calling me back again
In the moments
a long drive home
pretending to be asleep
so my Daddy can
carry me in
safer than anything
trying not to smile
It's in the moments
conversations in the quiet
kindred spirits
no spoken word
when the sun slips over the horizon
the world is bathed
in golden promises
I notice it for the first time
again
and the English language fails
It's in the moments
when the music of Gods children
stands on tiptoes
to peek through golden gates
It's in the moments
Heaven is alive.

Cullinary Allegories

sometimes pride is a cheesecake.
the first bite
sweet and powerful
the second
only a little less so
a little while later
my stomach is heavy
my mouth craves more
cut me another slab.
rich and revolting
I cannot stop eating
my mouth grows thick
my insides are coated
blocked.

Blueberries with that?



P.S. THIS IS WEIRD I KNOW. But feel free to say so anyway.

Trust

Prostrate lie
before thy throne
upon thy grace
empty now
surrender now
trusting now?

Nothing left for You
Save this broken heart
broken to be shaped
broken to be recreated
broken to trust?

Every step
too big for me
You carry me
squirming
wriggling
You put me down
momentarily
I am at Your knees again
on my knees again
Daddy pick me up.


At the seminar on Monday the speaker said that the original meaning of trust was like laying prostrate, flat on your face... depending. Interesting. Such a big word... such a vital part of simply being able to function in life. So many things we will spend a lifetime... an eternity.!.. learning.

Call

endless circles in my soul
endless smiles on my heart
watching clouds of life roll by
we were different from the start

oh my friend do you wonder
why He gave this to us?
echoes of a far away thunder
why is it never enough.

we were made for more than this,
what are we getting ready for?
what does He call this plan of his?
we were made for more
we were made for more.


I'd be interested to hear what you thought when you read this. I just made it up on the spot because I was in the mood, but also because these things have been pretty strongly on my heart as of late. Discussion welcome!

Pictures!

Check my facebook album here.

Home Sweet Home.

...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;

Phil 1:6

WE'RE STUCK AGAIN!!!

So we found out we had to leave this morning because Scott needed the van tomorrow morning.

We packed up the van 

AGAIN

We said goodbye

AGAIN

We stopped at Macdonalds

AGAIN

We drove for 8 miles and broke down

AGAIN.

The problem looks like the radiator which costs a ton and since the van is junk anyway we don't know if we are going to fix it or find some other way to get home.

If anyone ever tells you God doesn't have a sense of humor.......

Laugh at them.

not much

So the van is almost fixed, and we shall be home probably on saturday night!

This week has been totally different than last, but great in other ways.  God is good!

As always, keep praying.

IT'S NOT OVER YET!!

Oh the adventures of life....

So we left this morning, resigned to the sad but inevitable fact that our time here was over.... apparently God had other plans! Which fact we realized while sitting at the side of the road in the middle of nowhere 22 miles out of Winner with a shot water pump on our lovely conversion van.

So we are now home sweet home at Winner, waiting for the word from the nonexistent mechanics enjoying their lovely weekend off.

SO, earliest we can even get the van fixed IF we can get it fixed (it's a bit of a relic) is Monday, which renders it impossible for Lizzi get back for her all important luncheon on Wednesday... Sooooo.... We will see how long we end up staying! I am hoping another full week but we'll see.

I shall update when we figure out what's going on, but right now I am going to go enjoy one more day in South Dakota!

Keep praying!

exceedingly abundantly.

The last couple of days have been pretty chalk full of our amazing God.

I have not had a trip so far that I could spent this much time just hanging out and building relationships, and I am super thankful for it.

Bible club is going super well too. Crazy thing is it's actually a lot easier to run it with 4 people than it ever was with 15. But they all know what to expect now too after doing it with Andrew.

Tuesday was a pretty big day for Bible club, I was leading the lesson so we ended up doing a skit on David and Goliath. It was great, I even had a couple of the kids practice it with us. They all loved it. Games that night was water balloon and shaving cream WAR! It probably looked pretty funny, 15 snowmen running around on the basketball court. It was kinda hard to tell who was who after a while. :-) Unfortunately that had to be the day that I forgot my camera. :-( I have been slacking off with picture taking, except last night because I drove an hour with a van full of kids on my way to the little league baseball game with Andrew, since he's one of the coaches and he wanted some help. It was good fun, it was their first ever game and they got slaughtered... it didn't help that they were missing one player, another player got hurt pretty bad, and the other team was way older. The other team was pretty nice about it though. Some of our kids were actually asking who won at the end. hehe. Hopefully Aaron is ok though. I am guessing dislocated shoulder and hoping it's not worse than that!

Anyway, we don't have any extra-ordinary plans for today as far as I know, but we have some cool stuff lined up. Thanks so much for your prayers and support!

Hello again!

So yesterday was our first day, and it was amazing.

It was a little different than the rest of this week is gonna be, because we had to leave here at 10:30 to go to a funeral of one of the old men in Okreek, who everybody knew and who Andrew and Melany had spent a lot of time talking to. It was an Episcopalian service, and pretty sad. It is awful to here these words that are meant to bring hope and happiness, yet entirely devoid of meaning, because the people speaking them are also basically saying it doesn't even matter. God knew Terry's heart, but Andrew and Daniel are very hopeful.

After Terry's funeral and the big community lunch we cleaned the gym and spent some time just resting, hanging out with the kids, and some of us went to watch baseball practice for a couple hours. Keep in mind that all these updates are only from my point of view, which is the same as half the people, the rest are working with the older kids.

Bible club is from 7-9 every evening, yesterday went really well. We had 13 kids, which is up from the normal 5 that Andrew has when he does it every Saturday. We follow the same basic schedule as before, singing, story, activity, snack and games.

Then we came home and had dinner at like 10:30... didn't get to bed til 1. Yikes. Hopefully that won't continue. But we are going to bring sandwiches most days so that should help. Needless to say our mornings are pretty laid back, sleep in, eat breakfast, have worship time, have lunch, do some prep and then head out for around 3 when the kids get off the bus from summer school.

Please keep praying for us. The guys living here are pretty burnt out. Blending ordinary life and extra-ordinary vision requires.... well, the extra-ordinary. Which of course is no problem for our Awesome God.

Here we go...!!!

Sooo... we are in SD at Melany's lovely little apartment, waiting for breakfast and getting ready for our first day. Like I said in the last post things are going to be quite different, but I am really excited for how it's all going to work out. A lot of it we don't really know yet but we will be doing Bible club every night 7-9, and spending time in the afternoon just hanging out/potentially helping out with Okreeks summer rec program. So I will let you know how that all goes!

I am really loving being here with such a small team. For one thing, the drive up was lovely, without having to time rest stops for 30 different people... if you catch my drift. hehe. Yesterday we had a ton of time just to talk with each other and it was so encouraging for me. There is going to be a lot of relationship building this week, both with each other and the kids. To God Be the Glory!

the adventure begins once more...

...and we are in Wisconsin!
The drive up was lovely, and the sun is shining over Beloit Wisconsin as we enjoy one lazy day with our dear sweet cousins before driving to SD all day tomorrow!

I don't know what my internet is going to be like this year, but I shall try to keep you all updated somewhat!

So there will be a very small team this year, for girls only Lizzi and I and our two cousins Melany and Leahbeth. (which is very very cool) We will be staying at Melany's apartment in Winner and the guys (four of them too) will be staying at Andrew and Daniels apartment.

It looks like we're doing an evening vbs maybe? But not too many plans have been made at all with people scattered all over the country, so once we're there I'm sure we'll figure things out.

It is going to be super super different and I am going to miss the team a whole lot, but I am so excited to see what God is going to do this year.

Thanks for keeping us in your prayers!

Perspective

When my heart has forgotten
What my head knows so well
Restore me oh Lord.
When the echoes of God's music
are distant song
Renew a right spirit
When "life" steals my passion
the Joy of my Salvation
Show me a mirror
Break me again
Show me Your face
fill me overflowing.

To be Broken

Can life be too amazing?
We know we've got it good
Tickets to heaven
burning a hole in my pocket
Don't say when this train is leaving.
Sunny beaches sunny days
He says He's living water.
My hearts cry
Deafening in the moment
then an echo
bouncing off one thing after another
Until I don't know where it's coming from.
Living in this kingdom
can we be princesses and servants too?
When money's short
and time is past already.
She passed already.
Treasures in heaven
for children of the King.
We're children of the King.

Amazing Grace

we were all a little bit
impatient.
lineups that stretched
halfway down the aisle.
do they think we have all day
to wait for this?
I heard your voice over the commotion
desperate pleading for help.
we turned around, curious.
you were a lost man.
your white cane
frantically waving it's distress.
we didn't know what to say.
honey I'm here it's ok over here honey
her voice was your lifeline
we scrambled to get out of your way.
you were shaking as you held on to her
it's ok I'm here it's ok it's ok.
she led you away
like a little child.
the lineup was shorter now.

I am blessed.

I went to the mall the other day. Looked at a bunch of price tags, and felt extremely poor. But I suppose it is to be expected, we have to fee this cultural monster we have created.
It brings us together like nothing else, hundreds of people swarming one building in what you could call a common conquest.
They come in twos... lovestruck teenagers with eyes only for the person they've dreamed up beside them, Mothers with their daughters, trying to get over the fact that they are actually being seen in public with their own parents, yet somehow wishing they could dissolve the boundaries of age and lifestyle between them and this stranger paying for their clothes.
A pair of goths walk by, trying to instill fear and respect into a society that accepts them only long enough to label them. It would work well except for the box of rainbow cookies sticking out of his back pocket.
Another pair of oddities make a circle around the food court, baseball cap, fuzzy mustache, and a shirt tucked in mid rib cage, he walks beside his companion in a wheelchair, his eyes almost daring you to laugh at him. they go around, and around again.
There are women everywhere, selling themselves to society with all their strength, all the while betraying their most precious gifts. There are older women too, half of them ashamed of the fact, doing their utmost to hide it with their age defying creams, clothes, hair & attitude, reminding the world that they are still a force to be reckoned with.
An older man sits at the table next to me, a bemused expression on his face. Maybe he is watching too, like me.
All these people, so incredibly different, so incredibly alike. Slaves to their insecurities, driven to label themselves. And yet while they walk through the very society whose favor they are courting, they are like a sea of bubbles, each person a separate world orbiting this vast universe we call The Mall.
A baby wanders from his mother to pay a visit to another member of his kind. The parents exchange pleasant, slightly embarrassed conversation and bubbles are popping everywhere as people turn around to smile. All of the sudden Matthew 28:3-4 takes on a whole new meaning. The people keep walking by, screaming for God. I finish my drink, throw it in the garbage, and go back to looking at price tags. After all, when you are as Rich as I am, it's much easier to empty your wallet than change your world.